Brain Stew - Green Day
listening to green day takes me back to the old emo days of adolescence, which is not a very long time ago, i must say. LOL.
nevertheless, lately i’ve been so unmotivated about school and the ‘future’. so not driven to look for internships, work experiences, or whatever it is that can brush up my cv. haven’t put much thoughts on what i should be doing for my masters.
a part of me is saying that i should do something more ‘braingasmic’ like cultural studies or sociology. on the other hand, i feel like i should really do something like creative writing, which is more ‘soulgasmic’. seriously, i should stop ‘-gasmicify’ everything.
anyway, the idea of finally becoming a professional writer is somewhat appalling, i must say. yes, it’s cool, it is very cool indeed, to become a writer. not to mention very idealist, it’s just…well you know, writing is not the most financially stable job. and i can’t deny that i’m a bit angsty about it.
i’m now sitting in the kitchen, not in my usual spot, gazing at the window, at the trees outside (which were really beautiful in the morning, when the branches were covered in snow -it must’ve been warm out there). eating some grapes and pineapple tarts, thinking about how i should’ve spent this time doing something more constructive like working on my media econ portfolio, or even my short story.
but, since ‘nothing is impermanent’ and that ‘everything shall pass’, then perhaps i should indulge in carefree moments like this while i can, while i still have this so-called privilege.
aren’t i going to regret this someday?
maybe. maybe not.
time is coming closer at me and here i am still sitting. what is it that i’m waiting for?
am i wasting my time now?
most certainly yes. but at least i know that i’ve not spent all my time continuously working on something just for the sake of getting it done.
i have to admit that i’m kinda jaded now. that’s when your chillax hippie ‘id’ is as worn out as your bitchy neoliberal competitive ‘super ego’.
i wanna sit at the empty, quiet beach. contemplating for hours and watching the sun sets.
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
- Pablo Neruda
just finished watching 15, a Singaporean movie made by Royston Tan, with Matt tonight.
i’m not sure how to describe the movie, i don’t like it when you have to categorize something like this as good or bad. it’s not that simple. anyway, uhm the movie is…artsy, if you know what mean. and let’s just say there is a slightly awkward moment when you’re watching a movie filled with homoerotic tensions with a straight guyfriend.
yeah, i guess that sums 15 up.
anyway, it gets me going down the memory lane of being a 15 year old teenage girl. i don’t know how much i’ve changed, really. what a difference have five years made?
i’m not as cynical as i used to. certainly more ‘philosophical’/new-age/hippie-ish/meditator-ish. now i can wear make up in a moving vehicle, can run fast in heels, yep those should count. so perhaps, five years did change me a lot.
hmm but maybe not much. perhaps i’m still that person who likes to sit down on the floor of her room, writing or thinking. maybe i’m still that melancholic, lonely person who regards friends as her most valuable blessing and fears the day when their life is no longer hers (you know what i mean, when we’re all be too preoccupied with work or relationships). maybe i’m still that girl with vague ideas about whereabout she’s going to take her life in the next five years or so.
oh well, what will be, will be.
metta.
what i woke up to this morning. looking forward to have christmas on valentine’s.
i hate it that the weather gets cold when it’s supposed to start to be warm again. bloody global warming, making it hard to predict seasonal changes.
so yesterday i skipped the seminar. not that it’s an important thing -i’ve had lousy seminar groups before, but this one in particular is unfortunately super un-constructive. that is to say, an hour of awkward silence :| regardless, i don’t like skipping/missing classes like this. especially knowing that i don’t perform as well as i used to be in junior+high school. it just makes me feel guilty of not working as hard.
brain, y u no as sharp as before?
ugh, aging.
but anyway, my ‘aging brain’ is not why i skipped. i was somewhat sick yesterday. the usual, the typical nindy’s platter. headache-dizziness (now also with a new addition: appendicitis-ish pain). same old, same old but still everytime i get it, i feel…shitty. (apology for the profanity, but i can’t find a better description for this feeling -_-).
shitty. not only inside, with the pain and all that. but also ‘outside’, apart from missing classes, i don’t like making people worried.
i’m so glad to have my flatmates. seriously, can’t ask for better. thank you abbie, windy, matt for the initiative to check up on me in the attic. i promise i won’t pass out, so no worries ;)
thank you matt for the acoustic mraz ‘healing entertainment’ in the afternoon. thank you abbie and windy for the past-midnight philosophical discussion. hahaha.
i feel like being in somewhere warm, like here beside my heater LOL, or a sauna, hotsprings, rio, bondi beach, wakatobi, labuan bajo, hanoi, inside a metromini in jakarta, singapore.
speaking of singapore.
i had this weird dream last night. strangely enough i was in a sort of an interview session with an official looking guy who had been asking me with singapore trivias. can’t seem to remember them all, but i remember one question being ‘who was the 1st president of singapore?’. i answered it correctly: yusof bin ishak (i owe this success to sgd’s banknotes). i also remember saying ‘tumasik’ and ‘vanda miss joachim’ among other anwers. anyway, this guy finally opened the door and suddenly we’re in front of the merlion, he asked me to paint it with colorful colors-i remember him saying something in the line of ‘multicultural singapore’. all by myself. obviously, i refuse to do it. d’oh. then he asked me to leave, then i sailed (yes, sailed in a boat) back to jakarta.
weird.
when i got back to sleep again later on sometime after midnight, i had another bizzare dream.
this time, me and my flatmates have no longer live in the same house, we’ve moved to an apartment somewhere. i’m sick, about to doze off in a kitchen, just in time when matt found me (must be in the morning i guess). he panicked, called his mother (whom i’ve never met/seen) and voila! there she is, matt’s mom, who…is followed by MY mother and later on abbie and windy’s moms are there too. i remember the four mothers discussing healing treatment, and…then it just, gone.
hm, madre de dio.
i really hope it won’t snow later on today. and i am totally not looking foward to facing -9 celcius. hopefully it won’t be that cold.
bring back the sane, two-positive-digit temperature!
i was planning to sleep early tonight. early as in,…before midnight. preferably eleven, to be precise.
it is now twenty minutes past midnight, i’m sitting in my room. on the floor, at my favourite spot: by the heater. i like leaning on the heater, i like the warmth it gives on my back. you know, it feels as if someone is hugging you from behind. (dear readers, an ‘awww’ response would be more appreciated instead of ‘woman, y u no find a man?’. thanks)
watched fight club last night (actually since it’s technically tuesday, that means two nights ago). my second time after six years, i think. it’s scary to think the extent to which being insomniac can destroy you almost completely. like a boss -sorry i mean, like a tyler durden.
being an “on-off” insomniac, i suppose there is no chance i’d turn into ed norton’s character. apart from passing out once (luckily in my own room), by far i think the worst effect of my sleep deprivation is forgetting how to work on the microwave.
hm. time to (try to) hit the hay. good night.
i may not be a worshipper of any religion, but i do believe in a Divine intervention. i like coming to pray-houses when it’s empty. have myself a peaceful solitude. a solemn gratitude, never fails to boost the mood. have a good sunday, blessed people :)Jakarta Cathedral: My 1st visit.
kabut, membalut kalut. lanjut cemberut, kerap berharap. tidak siap, disergap rindu yang rupanya mengendap-ngendap. oh, inilah jakarta. yang buram tapi tak juga suram. entah bejat atau hebat, hasratku merambat. dari kepala sampai dada.Jakarty City
so, i managed to go through two decades without getting pregnant, using drugs, being expelled from school, fighting with my parents, getting into a dramatic cat fight with friends….yep, i guess that is worth celebrating for!
thursday, january 26 2012. finally twenty. TWO-ZERO.
so the day started with a squeaky surprise from my beyond-awesome flatmates at midnight. (yes, i said it was ‘squeaky because of the squeaky stairs to my room at the attic, which means that i could actually listen to their footsteps as they were coming in. LOL. but still, i find it surprising! i thought they were gonna use the bathroom LOLOLOLOLOL. thank you, matt, abbie, and windy!)
(cutting the cake with gusto, indeed. thanks for taking this pic, matt! and anak labsky, YOI BRO ITU BAJU BINTAMA!)
yes, chocolate cake at midnight. one was so ready to use this day to eat as many fatty foods as possible. stuffed, nearly killed to death by chocolate, we spent an hour watching City of God. (it’s a mindfuckingly awesome movie, you should totally watch it)
then bed.
the rest of the days went almost like usual, the only difference being the amount of birthday wishes i received that day (d’oh), some friends at school said it personally, me likey. while some also said it through sms, whatsapp, twitter and facebook, me lovey some witty messages…such as this:
some messages on the cards are also lovely. such as this, from the rest of the ForeverAlone house’ people (my flatmates ;p):
a fan of mine (yes, i’m not being cocky here. he, himself admitted of being a fan of my writings -not of the writer. hahaha) created this kinda-sorta-maybe scary myth about cats and death which turned out to be a hoax made just to ‘ruin’ my birthday mood. hahaha dammit abang, you got me! penggemar macam apa ini? ayo kirimin kopi acehnya!
my best friend of 14 years even dedicated a post on her tumblr. whoa, dude…one does not simply forget that kind of effort.
coolness. defined.
thank you thank you thank you thank you.
then party.
yeah right. as if.
being a party veteran (so long, those crazy nights in high school!), i chose a more ‘intimate’ activity: EATING. hahaha. i decided to treat my closest goldsmiths friends a dinner in ed’s diner in soho, the one opposite waxy o’ connor (if you haven’t been there already, this place is worth visit. it used to be a church, but today it’s one of the coolest bars in london, IMO.)
thank you, 谢谢, cảm ơn bạn, 감사합니다, terima(ke)kasih, FRIENDZZZ!
one and a half hour later and there we were, stuffed and nearly dead by burgers, cheese, and mouth-gasmic MILKSHAKES.
no shit, epic meal time! (this hasn’t include jun-eun-joyce’s meals btw)
the night was young and so were we ;p but the grannies and grandpas (and not to mention, the overdosed tummy-monsters) in all of us seemed to force us to call it a night (IT WAS….7.30pm-ish?!) so…we….went home.
watched the rest of City of God, replied some more wishes…and there went my first day of official ‘adulthood’.
and so far, it’s going good :)
so these are what i got for my birthday from everyone: friends and family.
i love them all, but…gotta admit that my favourite present is the customized tumbler with pictures of my friends. it’s simply epic. LOVE IT. A LOT.
LOL. michael’s face is such an attention grabber indeed.
ingrid’s message: Forever Alone No More. Soon.—> bangkeeee :))))
nicole, my bitchhhh hahaha. awesome hair!
love abbie’s face and peeking jun! hahaha
thank you thank you thank you.
yesterday was beyond legendary. awesomeness level: ASIAN (pun intended, yes LOL)
okay, let’s move on to the cheesy-but-true part:
you see, i’m not the type of person who gets excited on their birthdays and i can’t say any better how the idea of having a birthday party scares me. but all of those greetings, presents, surprises (and this year…it’s been the third year in a row that i got birthday surprise! *holding my tears*), and simply the presence of YOU people….i just can’t thank you enough. i feel blessed.
you see, blessing is….the awesome moment when you have the best people to be your best friends.
life is pretty. so…adulthood? challenge accepted!
good night and be good, good people!
i love you!
