Two weeks ago (really? whoa. so quick!) I submitted my last-ever undergraduate essays, so technically I am done with my academic Goldsmiths life - I’m still working as a staff/intern until September. Speaking of my essays, I broke a new record of essay-writing/editing: 24 hours - 2 decent essays. I submitted a shamefully poor production essay - and no, I am not exaggerating this bit: to begin with, I didn’t even reach the word count and I didn’t put enough theoretical reference. The essay itself will only worth 30% of the overall practice grade (the short story worth 60% and then there’s the 10% group-work mark) but I guess, I sort of blew my chance on getting a first-degree for my practice. Lessons learnt: being angsty about the uncertain future can actually ruin the present, which might negatively affect the future.
The past month has been one of stress, indeed. I’ve lost all motivation to finish the course works, got caught up in holiday plans, reached a point where I’ve asked myself over and over “WTF am I gonna do with my life?”, got very well-acquainted with insecurities and personal inadequacies - does fifth-life crisis exist? or is this a neoliberal self-reflexivity shenanigans talking?
Haven’t heard back from NUS yet - counting down the days to May 31, which should be their deadline in coming up with a decision. I’ve become unhealthily obsessed with checking my emails because of this - sometimes I get paranoid too: what if they’ve sent it a while ago but it got to my spam folder and I just emptied it - without checking? I want to email the College and ask but they say they can’t accommodate queries about application outcome - what if they cross me out because of this (maybe they’d think I’m not patient enough?). But then again, what if the whole “we can’t accommodate queries” is actually a test too; I do not act on this thus they’d think I don’t want the degree bad enough and just passively waiting instead.
Okay, clearly my stress level is going out of control now.
Then there’s Leopard’s last issue/hand-over meeting, band album, move-out-for-good plans, content-creation for my internship… then maybe Jakarta, for a bit, depending on when/where postgraduate school starts.
Busy is… a high enthusiasm in living but with poor time management system.
Yes, I’m aware of how bitter I am lately.
As well as how immature it is to vent on my blog.
I’ll try to sort my mess as soon as possible, but until then, please forgive me if I’m being overly cynical about stuff - I’ll try my best to keep things to myself too.
aku, yang diam.
kamu, yang turut terpaku.
kita, yang berpura-pura dalam hening.
It’s not the first time.
She has felt this way before.
It hurts just the same.
They’re not meant to be.
She knew it all along but
she lied to herself.
Just move on, they said.
Plenty of fish in the sea!
But he was her sea.
Hearts are broken to pieces.
But friendship remains.
It’s hopeless, hopeless.
She shouldn’t have expected.
This is all her fault.
Andai perasaan adalah sebuah persamaan. Akan kukurangi dengan bilangan yang lebih besar sehingga ia tak perlu ada lagi. Andai perasaan adalah sebuah perhitungan. Akan kucari rumus agar suatu saat kita bisa memahami. Andai perasaan adalah sebuah perkalian. Akan kukalikan nol dan kubuatmu mengerti.
On another note, amid this tragedy, it’s worth noting that in some parts of the world a bombing with 2 dead and 64 injured barely warrants a headline. The fact that some people still feel the need to threaten another by killing fellow living beings makes me sad and angry. How could people be so selfish, cruel, and act as if karma’s nothing? My thoughts are with Boston and everyone who lives under horrible terror. This has to end.
I’m sort of thrown off today. it’s hard to be motivated to bring you science when there’s Reality going on.
When something hits us upside the head like the Boston Marathon explosions, we can feel dizzy, disoriented … left swirling in a dust-storm of rapidly beating hearts, furrowed brows, held breath and shaking heads. That’s how I feel, anyway. I’ve been sitting here, repeatedly muttering statements that begin with “What the f…” and simultaneously cheering and cursing the power of social media to communicate painful news. I keep looking through Twitter and blogs, knowing exactly what I’ll see and don’t want to. So powerful, but so unfiltered.
It’s not the first time in the past year that this message from Fred Rogers has been appropriate, and that’s perhaps the ultimate tragedy. But he’s right. Every photo of violence and blood in the streets of Boston that we won’t unsee is full of people running in to help. And if we have to look, that’s what we should focus on.
My thoughts are with Boston.
I don’t know what’s happening to me but lately I’ve found it really hard to concentrate. I’m tired all the time, despite doing no energy-consuming, physical activities. I’m tired even though recently I’ve had enough/more than enough sleep. I’m losing appetite so cooking+eating has become merely functional (not to mention I have to finish those vegetables before they go off). In addition, it seems like every little thing I do now leads to re-examination of myself and the life decisions I’ve taken.
Also, although I’m not procrastinating (because I can’t afford it with the time I have now) I’m falling behind with my to-do lists and that annoys me.