wasting time.
so i missed gamelan again today. been the fourth time. in a row. and now i’m bitching about it on tumblr just to show how bad i feel about it. it’s not that i did it on purpose, oh well…i don’t know, maybe i am. ah, i don’t know, really.
i’ve been busy lately. or maybe not, maybe i’m just pretending that i am just so that i won’t feel that bad about missing things. oh the bad, bad, bad self-deception! perhaps i’m not busy, i just haven’t really managed my time well.
but it’s true, i have so many things to do. from school’s academic works, practice’s project (film film film!), stuff with The Leopard, this blog (which hasn’t been updated as often as i wished :/), reading for self-development purpose…and the list goes on. ALTHOUGH, actually compared to last year, i didn’t have that many things to do. no more internship with College Fashionista now, and that was quite time consuming. i didn’t write as regularly for The London Student as i did last year either.
and though, academically speaking, the stake is now bigger at the second year, i also haven’t felt that ‘academic kick’ (you know that kind of feeling where you feel so motivated to work for school). i don’t feel like i have learnt much, i’m not sure if it’s because there’s not enough time to do it, or it’s just me who hasn’t really put that much effort. i mean, i’ve been working for my assignments and stuff, it just didn’t feel as productive as i’d like it to be. i did better than this. once i was a nerdy workaholic with a “work hard, party hard” mentality (hello 16-year-old me! long time no see!), which totally paid off at the end, but now it’s like “just finish the work. no party, just sleep”. no me gusta.
considering that school isn’t actually that intense, i should’ve put more effort on school (and other stuff that i need to do). i feel like…i’m wasting my time and no, i’m not enjoying it (sorry, john lennon).
i know that time has changed (it was high school, c’mon!) and of course, i’m not the same person as i was back then, but still….i’d love to have that perseverance and dedication again. (i plead guilty for longing for the ‘glorious’ days of the past. ;p) ah, maybe it’s the old-overachiever-perfectionist me, kicking back in (i’ve become way more laid back and relaxed since college, which is good. to a certain extent)…who knows.
it’s funny how i’ve kinda “lost” that ‘perseverance and dedication’ just as my vision about my future is getting clearer. it’s like i’ve set the goals and stuff, but here i am, just waiting for my rocket to come.
about this ‘time-wasting/laziness/whatever’…actually, could it be because i’m not busy enough? it seems to me that i perform better when i have so many things on my to-do list. hmmm….but i really don’t feel like adding anything on my agenda as of late.
perhaps it’s just a phase. perhaps it’s just that time of your life when you feel like you don’t want to commit to so many “responsibilities”. perhaps it’s just my time to relax a bit. perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…
- 0 plays
- Artist: Adhitia Sofyan
- Album: Forget Your Plans
- Track: Dark Side
