Brain Stew - Green Day

listening to green day takes me back to the old emo days of adolescence, which is not a very long time ago, i must say. LOL.

nevertheless, lately i’ve been so unmotivated about school and the ‘future’. so not driven to look for internships, work experiences, or whatever it is that can brush up my cv. haven’t put much thoughts on what i should be doing for my masters.

a part of me is saying that i should do something more ‘braingasmic’ like cultural studies or sociology. on the other hand, i feel like i should really do something like creative writing, which is more ‘soulgasmic’. seriously, i should stop ‘-gasmicify’ everything.

anyway, the idea of finally becoming a professional writer is somewhat appalling, i must say. yes, it’s cool, it is very cool indeed, to become a writer. not to mention very idealist, it’s just…well you know, writing is not the most financially stable job. and i can’t deny that i’m a bit angsty about it.

i’m now sitting in the kitchen, not in my usual spot, gazing at the window, at the trees outside (which were really beautiful in the morning, when the branches were covered in snow -it must’ve been warm out there). eating some grapes and pineapple tarts, thinking about how i should’ve spent this time doing something more constructive like working on my media econ portfolio, or even my short story.

but, since ‘nothing is impermanent’ and that ‘everything shall pass’, then perhaps i should indulge in carefree moments like this while i can, while i still have this so-called privilege.

aren’t i going to regret this someday?
maybe. maybe not.

time is coming closer at me and here i am still sitting. what is it that i’m waiting for?

am i wasting my time now?
most certainly yes. but at least i know that i’ve not spent all my time continuously working on something just for the sake of getting it done.

i have to admit that i’m kinda jaded now. that’s when your chillax hippie ‘id’ is as worn out as your bitchy neoliberal competitive ‘super ego’.

i wanna sit at the empty, quiet beach. contemplating for hours and watching the sun sets.