there you go, four things about me. very straightforward. nothing cryptic.

it’s one of those days when I don’t really wanna put so much efforts on creating puns or smart, catchy titles that would make my post seem much more interesting and meaningful.

well, it’s not that this post is boring and meaningless.

so, second year is technically over. just a 3000-word portfolio on media-economy-society due on the 26th of april and a 2-hour culture and society exam on may 9 and then I’m officially no longer a sophomore.

hm, how time flies like a G6. HAHA. only faster though, and not necessarily better. dunno, the very thought of next year when Imma be graduating, leaving my friends, entering (or going back?) to ‘reality’ is a bit…bleak. uhm, I guess one of those melancholic feelings is coming on again.

I always find it funny how I still suck at farewells even though I’ve moved around a lot. getting out of the comfort zone is nothing new, it’s something that I’ve experienced my whole life. a life that has been spent in four continents, four countries, five cities, six schools not including short courses and summer schools. a period of numerous affiliations, various organizations, countless friendships. yet, “goodbye” seems to be the hardest word (sorry, elton john – pun intended hehe).

twenty years has passed since this picture was taken.

yeah. everything is impermanent, precisely why we should live and appreciate the present moment. for it will pass, sooner or later. yes, I guess life/everything is a sooner or later thing. exactly why we should not worry if we haven’t experienced something. no need to rush, no need to compete (dear overly competitive neoliberalists…).

okay, it’s not that competition is the root of all evil (or is it? haha), it’s just…when we compete we compare ourselves to other people and often when we’re deep in our comparison(s), we lose a sense of gratitude and appreciation for what we have at the moment. and based on my experience, ungratefulness is the root of misery, negative thinking, and ugly stuff alike.

back to my somewhat melancholic feeling (or as matt would call it ‘lethargic mood’ or in windy’s term: depression), I also find it amusing how all my life, I’ve always thought that I would never settle down in one place; that I would always move around, from one city/country to another; that Imma be making ridiculously many connections, in which only very few will last a life time but nevertheless I would never have to live a typical, monotonous life. everything would always be a new adventure and I’d always have my own freedom.

that was the kind of life that I thought would suit me. the kind of life that I’ve always wanted. until recently. until I realized how deep down I’m actually a sentimental, over-romantic art bitch. HAHA. *insert your “OMG. NO SHIT.” comment here*

but I guess the true freedom is when you can choose to settle in and commit yourself to something. no? because, when freedom becomes mandatory, then that means you’re not purely free, don’t you think?

and for now, I wanna know how it feels like to live a life that is not ephemeral. however paradoxical that sounds.

perhaps twenty is not quite the appropriate age for one to talk about the meaning of life. dunno, it’s just, every time I think I’ve got life all figured out, I’ve got condescending reaction such as “oh, you haven’t seen it all,” or “what do you know? you’re incredibly young,” or “you haven’t entered the real world.”

right.

just one question though,
gimme five, william miller. young minds think alike.

how ‘unreal’ is the world I’ve been living now?
how ‘unreal’ is twenty years of breathing, seeing, doing and existing?

well, okay I get it. usually when they say ‘real world’ they mean the ugly, ruthless, depressing world where people ‘prostitute’ themselves for money and pride. and since we – most people – spend the first twenty years of their life in the arms of our loving family and in school, chances are we’ll have only seen the pretty things in life.

seems legit.

I can write a whole essay on dysfunctional families and stressful school life, but I think making people depressed ain’t gonna do me a good karma hehe.

anyway, recently I’ve been writing the short story for my script/prose project and I came up with this wise line that seriously makes me feel good about myself (feel free to add “you, narcissistic bitch!” comment here. HAHA). here it is:

“Life is like being a photographer. Everything is beautiful, but you have to get it from the right angle.”

so true isn’t it?

still along the line with life is like being a photographer, it is exactly because we only see that one particular angle, that we find life is hard to understand.

how can we expect to understand life as a whole when we only see (or shown) one angle of it?

maybe we can’t, but I think it’s okay. perhaps life is too pretty to be understood, just like a woman. I suppose, for now we should just appreciate the beauty, for life is so immensely beautiful.

a slightly dodgy alley somewhere in Berlin, but isn’t it pretty?

and when it gets bitchy and ugly, that means we need to get it from another, prettier angle ;)

hm, I hope you get what I mean. but it’s okay, if you don’t. someday you will.

how do you know you’ve reached the top? how do you know it’s time to stop?

just finished watching 15, a Singaporean movie made by Royston Tan, with Matt tonight.

i’m not sure how to describe the movie, i don’t like it when you have to categorize something like this as good or bad. it’s not that simple. anyway, uhm the movie is…artsy, if you know what I mean. and let’s just say there is a slightly awkward moment when you’re watching a movie filled with homoerotic tensions with a straight guyfriend.

yeah, i guess that sums 15 up.

anyway, it gets me going down the memory lane of being a 15 year old teenage girl. i don’t know how much i’ve changed, really. what a difference have five years made?

i’m not as cynical as i used to. certainly more ‘philosophical’/new-age/hippie-ish/meditator-ish. now i can wear make up in a moving vehicle, can run fast in heels, yep those should count. so perhaps, five years did change me a lot.

hmm but maybe not much. perhaps i’m still that person who likes to sit down on the floor of her room, writing or thinking. maybe i’m still that melancholic, lonely person who regards friends as her most valuable blessing and fears the day when their life is no longer hers (you know what i mean, when we’re all be too preoccupied with work or relationships). maybe i’m still that girl with vague ideas about whereabout she’s going to take her life in the next five years or so.

oh well, what will be, will be.

metta.

namaste!

are you feeling anything yet?

cos i’m feeling EVERYTHING.
happy, ecstatic, sometimes a little bit mellow, eerie, so-so, oh and tired.

lately i’ve been busy. busy with school, busy with work, busy with friends, busy with my own feelings and thoughts o_O. simply busy with life, which is…fine so far i guess.

yes, i am psyched.
yes, but somewhat overwhelmed as well.

despite all this busy-ness, there is still this little voice inside my head that has been saying that i’m not busy enough (say whaaa?), that i’m still lazing around and being unproductive, that i’m wasting my time.

true, i’m doing less activity compared to last year, no internship whatsoever, no more language classes, not looking for a part time job either (just the on-off, super flexible goldsmiths ambassador job.) at the moment, i just don’t feel like committing to a job, i guess. i’m not as workaholic as i was, i think. maybe now it’s a good time to slow down a bit, focusing more on my studies (yeah right, i’m still haven’t gone to the library).

i’m trying to keep being productive, though (come to think of it, why does every little activity has to be productive? why is it that we have to always produce something? isn’t over-production can lead to deflation? - oh how an economic theory is applicable to your own life!). anyway, regarding being productive…i’m still writing (and now editing too) for the leopard as you may know. this blog is still being updated regularly, which is great (fuck yeah consistency!). also, i’ve been doing some more fiction writing, you know, for fun. last but not least, i’m trying to read more, aside from college stuff, viva la knowledge! (right now, i’m sooo into philosophy, especially eastern philosophy, any recommendations?)

still and all, about being productive and stuff, i come across again to the famous phrase, carpe diem. seize the day. why should we seize the day, well according to mr. keating in dead poets society (one of my favourites, THOU SHALL WATCH THIS MOVIE), it’s because “we’re food for worms…because each of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold and die”. oh, isn’t that one helluva heavy thinking? but is being productive all the time means that you’re seizing the day?

hmm.
maybe not always.

well, i’d like to counter this idea and thus justify my own laziness with this john lennon quote, “the time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.” i’m enjoying this slowing down process of life, this so called ‘time wasting’. after all, isn’t everything fast ends faster? plus, just like henry thoreau wrote (and this is also quoted in dead poets society, fyi)
“i went to the woods because i wanted to live deliberately, i wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to put to rout all that was not life and not when i had come to die discover that i had not lived”

true true, live long and prosper but live at the moment. enjoy it. take it easy.

and may the force be with you!

“Seorang filsuf Yunani pernah menulis…nasib terbaik adalah tidak dilahirkan, yang kedua dilahirkan tapi mati muda, dan yang tersial adalah umur tua. Rasa-rasanya memang begitu. Bahagialah mereka yang mati muda” – Soe Hok Gie

Satu hal yang pasti, aku sudah terlanjur dilahirkan. Perkara aku nanti akan mati muda dengan bahagia atau merana sampai tua itu urusan lain. Yang jelas sekarang saja aku sudah merasa sial karena terlanjur lahir ke dunia tanpa diberi hak untuk memilih siapa yang akan menjadi orang tua.

Izinkan aku untuk menceritakan tentang bajingan paling brengsek yang pernah aku temui dalam hidupku. Bandot tua yang hari ini kebetulan sedang berulang tahun. Laki-laki sialan yang darahnya mengalir di nadiku. Bapakku.

Iya, Bapakku. Mungkin kau pernah dengar tentang dia. Maklum, dia cukup tersohor. Namanya Indonesia.

In-do-ne-sia?

Bukannya itu nama wanita? Tidakkah kata itu membuatmu membayangkan sosok seorang wanita idaman, istri unggulan dan ibu jempolan? Kau salah, kawan. Rasa-rasanya tidak mungkin seorang ibu bisa jadi sedemikian brengsek seperti Bapakku. Lagipula, kalaupun nama ‘Indonesia’ terdengar feminin, mungkin satu-satunya bentuk femininitas di sosok Bapak adalah sikapnya yang banci.

Ah iya, aku tau apa yang kau pikirkan. Kurang ajar betul anak ini, bapaknya sendiri dicaci maki. Ya, mungkin aku memang anak yang kurang ajar dan kekurangajaranku ini bisa kujelaskan. Aku ini kan darah daging Bapak yang brengsek, bukankah air cucuran atap jatuh tak jauh dari pelimbahan?

Sudahlah, tidak penting aku kurang ajar atau tidak. Aku kan mau berkisah tentang Bapakku.

Pernah nonton film Catatan Si Boy? Kalau iya, kau mungkin bisa membayangkan sosok Bapakku, Indonesia, seperti apa.

Waktu muda dulu, dia tampan dan gagah. Badannya besar dan sungguh, ia pemuda yang bugar. Dia juga kaya raya, bisa dibilang raja minyak walaupun emas dan berlian dia juga punya banyak. Yang jelas, untuk urusan raga dan harta, Bapak tidak perlu diragukan, ia punya semua yang orang lain inginkan. Untuk segi jiwa, Bapak juga masih bisa dibanggakan. Dia pemberani, pernah sekali waktu ia memimpin perjuangan kaum-kaum yang tertindas, memerdekakan mereka. Dia juga pandai, sebagai bukti, banyak anak-anaknya –saudara-saudariku– yang sekarang juara pertandingan-pertandingan ilmu eksakta. Waktu muda dulu, Bapak seorang humanis yang percaya bahwa tiap-tiap orang berhak meniti jalannya masing-masing untuk mencari satu Tuhan.

Akan tetapi, tidak ada gading yang tak retak bukan? Lagipula, pernahkah kau mendengar pepatah yang mengatakan bahwa kecantikan adalah kutukan? Atau mungkin, justru inilah yang namanya roda kehidupan, salah satu pembuktian keadilan Tuhan.

Seiring pergantian tahun, Bapak berubah. Sosok seorang Indonesia kini jauh berbeda dari sosok Indonesia dulu dan dari tiga pernyataan di atas, aku tidak tau yang mana yang harus aku yakini sebagai alasan perubahan Bapak. Yang aku tau, perubahan adalah satu-satunya kepastian yang ada di dunia ini. Aku hanya tidak habis pikir Bapak akan menjadi seperti ini. Menjadi sebrengsek ini.

Mungkin akhirnya karena semakin tua, Bapak semakin enggan untuk berpacu seiring perubahan zaman. Atau bisa jadi dia sebenarnya hendak memberi kebebasan kepada anak-anaknya -saudara-saudari tuaku- untuk mengatur segala rupa kekayaannya. Anak-anaknya yang mungkin lupa dia ajari tentang sikap ksatria. Anak-anaknya yang ia didik dalam gelimangan harta berlimpah sampai akhirnya menjadi manusia-manusia pongah dan serakah.

Mungkin Bapak tidak menyangka kebebasan yang dulu ia berikan akan disalahgunakan, mungkin ia kecewa, tidak tahu harus berbuat apa dan akhirnya diam saja. Bapak seperti kehilangan karisma dan perlahan kalah ditelan gelombang kehidupan. Kekayaannya lama-lama habis. Ya dicuri, ya dipakai membayar hutang, ya dihambur-hamburkan. Aku jadi sangsi kalau nanti sewaktu-waktu Bapak mati, akankah tersisa harta warisan?
Kalaupun ada yang tersisa, aku sudah ngeri membayangkan perebutan warisan itu oleh anak-anaknya, tetangga-tetangganya dan bukan mustahil seandainya kerabat jauh akan ikut menjarah!

Tolong jangan salah sangka. Aku membenci Bapak, mencibirnya sebagai laki-laki brengsek, menyebutnya bajingan, bukan karena sekarang ia seorang pesakitan yang serba kekurangan. Melainkan karena ia kehilangan prinsip, kehabisan mimpi dan juga ambisi. Lalu lari dari kenyataan pahit dengan mengungkit-ungkit kisah kejayaan sebelum pailit. Sungguh mengecewakan dan tidak bisa dibanggakan!

Prinsipnya tentang kemanusiaan yang adil dan beradab ada di mana sekarang? Tega-teganya menukar keadilan dengan uang. Apa kabarnya pendapat Bapak mengenai persatuan? Ia diam saja melihat perpecahan anak-anaknya yang disebabkan oleh perbedaan tata cara penyembahan Tuhan. Bagaimana dengan nasehat yang dulu pernah ia sampaikan, tentang pentingnya kejujuran dan keberanian yang berlandaskan kebenaran? Bapak bahkan tidak berani menegur orang-orang yang berbuat salah dan hanya bisa menyampaikan basa-basi rasa kasihan kepada korban-korban ketidakadilan. Banci! Laki-laki macam apa yang bisa melupakan prinsip-prinsipnya sendiri? Bagaimana ia bisa memimpin keluarga kami kalau dia sendiri tidak punya visi dan misi?

Aku membenci Bapak karena ia bergeming di kala satu keluarga pontang-panting agar keluarga kami tetap terlihat hebat dan bermartabat. Aku membenci Bapak karena ia sering membuatku malu tiap kali aku mengaku “Aku anak Indonesia”, membuatku merasa kecewa karena secara tidak langsung telah membeberkan kepada dunia tentang keluargaku yang porak poranda hanya dengan tiga kata.

Aku membenci Bapak karena ia tidak memberiku pilihan selain untuk tetap menghormatinya. Begitulah.

Sebenci-bencinya aku pada Bapak, sebajingan-bajingannya dia, Indonesia adalah Bapakku. Aku bisa saja berlari ke ujung dunia, akan tetapi itu tidak akan merombak fakta bahwa selamanya aku anaknya. Suka atau tidak, jantungku memompa darahnya dan lidahku akan menyebut namanya. Aku adalah anak Bapak dan Bapak adalah ayahku. Tidak ada yang bisa mengubah kenyataan itu.

Dan di balik seluruh ungkapan kebencian yang ingin aku lontarkan kepada Bapak, ada satu bisikan dalam hatiku yang mengatakan bahwa seharusnya aku berterima kasih kepada Bapakku, si Brengsek.

Seharusnya aku berterima kasih karena ia telah merawatku hingga dewasa, walaupun hanya sekedarnya. Seharusnya aku berterima kasih karena ia telah memperbolehkanku untuk menggunakan kekayaannya, walaupun tidak semua. Seharusnya aku berterima kasih karena ia mengajarkanku tentang idealisme kehidupan, walaupun pada akhirnya tidak semua ia jalankan.

Seharusnya aku berterima kasih karena ia bajingan, setidaknya itu mengajarkanku tentang kenyataan bahwa dalam kehidupan tidak selalu semua berjalan sesuai rencana yang diinginkan maupun prinsip yang diajarkan.

Seharusnya aku berterima kasih karena hidupku dalam asuhannya penuh keterbatasan, setidaknya sekarang aku tahu bahwa hidup harus diperjuangkan demi mengejar kebahagiaan.

Begitu kata hatiku.

Ah sudahlah. Rasa-rasanya kejayaan masa lalu sudah mustahil untuk dikembalikan, tak peduli seberapa tinggi doa aku panjatkan. Pun aku tidak bisa menjamin berapa lama Bapak sanggup bertahan dengan kondisi yang sudah sedemikian memprihatinkan. Kalaupun tiba waktunya nanti Bapak dipanggil oleh Sang Khalik, aku hanya bisa berharap dia akan dikenang untuk seluruh jasanya yang baik.

Sampai hari itu tiba, aku tidak akan menyangkal bukti nyata bahwa “Aku anak Indonesia”.

(Selamat ulang tahun yang ke-66 untuk Indonesia, yang aku cinta dengan lara, yang aku kasihi hingga nanti nadi berhenti.)

Foto: Firdaus Usman

it’s 2.30AM-ish and here I am blogging from Salzburg (not that the location matters, I just feel like typing the word “SALZBURG” actually).

and as usual, whenever I have trouble sleeping and I don’t feel like thinking much, I always go on Facebook to check out on people’s pictures (GUILTY PLEASURE NOTED). tonight is no different, I’ve just finished going through pictures of people I went to high school with. (admit it, it’s fun)

the last time I saw most of them was 2 years ago and GOD, HOW THEY’VE CHANGED!
Mostly for the better ;)

it’s amazing to see how they’ve evolved from high school kids into these med/engineering/accounting/art, etc etc etc students. How different they look now.

hmm, I’ve changed a lot too.

FIVE years ago I was this emo kid from Bandung with a super ugly asymmetric pixie hair (I’m still blaming this dude in Roger’s Walter Mongonsidi for ruining the cuts, making my first semester filled with insecurities over a bad haircut -it was hideous, I’m not overreacting). was having quite a hard time adjusting to new school (first year at Labsky was a living hell), new crowds, new lifestyle, new city, new family. wasn’t exactly the most popular kid, but I think I was quite notoriously known for my emo-ness and my reputation as “the girl who dismissed her first desk mate because she thought her desk mate was a weirdo, little did she knew, everyone thought she’s a bit weird too” (lesson learnt: one mistake lead to another unfortunate events that could overshadow the rest of your high school life —>FML).

FOUR years ago I was this kid who got accepted in science major and then turned the offer down (like a boss) and chose to specialize in social science major. that was the best decision I took in high school. life was great, except for an unfortunate week of torturous mandatory military camp that burnt my face in half (no kidding. this happened), my skin was light (normal) from eye to the forehead and BLACK from nose to chin. the recovery was painful as the medication gave me acnes instead. FML. nevertheless, academically speaking…straight As, baby, straight As. and socially, I wasn’t the nerdiest kid at school. good enough, good enough.

THREE years ago I was a senior who often skipped PE class (for an early lunch at the canteen), afternoon prayers (for a relaxed nap in the air-conditioned chapel or library) and sometimes gamelan class (for a late afternoon chit-chat/gossip in the mosque). friendship was going strong with best friends, so life was awesome. the only drama that happened was only a small misunderstanding over a Facebook status and a rant post on my blog. it was actually kinda ugly, but whatever, I could be pretty hateable for some people, unfortunately. anyway, despite the flying colours, I had no idea what I wanna do in my life/for university. pretty much doomed.

TWO years ago I almost didn’t graduate high school because I was hospitalized for a week during the national exams (“awesome” job, body, “awesome” job). fortunately managed to finish the make up exams. hallelujah. almost flunked religion practical exam because I didn’t know what to say during the corpse prayers and cried during PE/basketball exam because I couldn’t score 10 successful shoots within 60 seconds (laugh as you want). turned down an offer from FE-UI because 95%-I didn’t want to be stuck studying something I don’t like for the next 4 years and 5%-I just wanted to rebel against the family hahaha. that decision caused a massive “turmoil” among the teachers and of course, my oh-so-serious-big family. was chosen as a valedictorian, and successfully messed up my speech due to the lack of preparation. not to mention blue soft-lenses malfunction. yeah for finishing high school with disgrace!

ONE year ago I was faced with the inevitable task of choosing university after taking a gap year in Canada.

looking back at my life in high school, I enjoyed it… but thank God, it gets better now.

“Makanya ganti BB, Nin. Elo udah dikhianati semua orang.”

Sebuah perkataan sederhana yang bahkan mungkin tidak dianggap serius ini berasal dari salah satu sohib SMA gue. Anywho, tetap aja gue agak tergelitik mendengar ini, well, secara gue gitu loh, sang pemikir, filsuf amatir yang selalu menganalisa semua hal, berusaha mencari makna, yang kadang sebenarnya tidak ada. Apalagi setelah di sini gue, sebagai media student yang baru aja belajar textual analysis, jadi makin sering mem-break down segala bentuk teks/media per unsurnya, dengan tujuan ya itu tadi: mencari makna. Thus, analyzing things comes really natural for me. As if my brain is automatically programmed with that ‘textual analysis’ software.

Oh, kembali ke bahasan semula.

Bagian terakhir dari pesan itu beneran terngiang di kepala gue, “Elo udah dikhianati semua orang”. Apakah ini benar?
- Apakah perkembangan teknologi yang ada ini justru membuat gue ‘terasing’ simply karena gue bukan pengguna Blackberry?
- Akankah situasinya berbeda kalau gue pengguna Blackberry?

To tell you what, I did use a Blackberry last year and I think…it doesn’t make things any different. Selain komunikasi gue dan nyokap yang lebih sering lewat BBM (sekarang nyokap lebih sering telfon) dan gue yang bisa online dimanapun kapanpun, gak ada yang beda rasanya. Dari soal intensitas komunikasi sama orang-orang, gue rasa frekuensinya sama aja. Seringkali, gue tetap jadi orang terakhir yang tau perkembangan berita dan tentunya tetap missed out acara-acara/reuni di Indonesia. Kalau begitu sekarang, apakah ini semua karena perbedaan jarak?

Perkembangan teknologi yang harusnya memperlancar komunikasi dan ‘meniadakan’ jarak itu, kenapa tetap saja kalah oleh jarak? Mungkin, memang ada beberapa hal yang gak bisa ‘ditaklukan’ begitu saja dengan komunikasi. Contohnya, ulang tahun. Tentu beda perasaannya pas kita SMS/telfon/mengucapkan langsung ke orang yang ulang tahun kan. Semakin ‘nyata’ perasaan puas-nya semakin besar. Tapi “hipotesis” ini juga punya implikasi kedua: akankah situasinya berbeda kalau tidak ada jarak jauh/ perbedaan zona waktu dan segala hambatan geografis lainnya?

Tidak juga. Belum tentu.

Sebagai bukti, berapa banyak long distance relationship yang berhasil? Cukup banyak, walaupun gue gak punya data statistik yang bisa mendukung itu. Berarti sekarang tinggal satu kemungkinan: gue.

- Apakah gue benar-benar sibuk sehingga gak ada waktu buat sekedar komunikasi?
- Atau gue gak bisa memanfaatkan waktu yang ada buat berkomunikasi?
- Atau pada dasarnya gue memang terlalu individualistis, jadi ‘asik sendiri’?

Gue gak yakin soal jawaban yang tepat untuk pertanyaan-pertanyaan introspektif di atas. Mungkin jawabannya ‘Iya’. Mungkin gue memang seorang individualis yang terlalu (sok) sibuk dan keasikan di dunianya sendiri, jadinya ya itu, ketinggalan. Agak oksimoron, karena sebenernya gue ini takut sendirian. (Mungkin inilah yang membuat gue tergelitik untuk menganalisa soal ini)

Gue begadang sampai berhari-hari, sebenernya apa yang gue kerjain ya? Belajar? Membaca? Dan mungkin semua usaha yang gue lakuin demi mengejar nilai yang bagus, biar gue bisa sukses nantinya. Ah, memang, tidak ada perasaan yang lebih enak dari perasaan ‘sukses’. Tapi sebenernya buat apa kesuksesan itu?

Dan apakah itu semua harus dibayar dengan kesendirian?

Ilmuwan sukses biasanya adalah seorang penyendiri atau mungkin sebenarnya tidak, tapi toh dianggap ‘outcast’ di lingkungannya, contohnya John Nash (A Beautiful Mind). Yang menarik, pas gue ngelakuin research kecil-kecilan buat postingan ini, gue menemukan bahwa ternyata banyak sekali orang ‘sukses’ yang sebenarnya sendirian/kesepian, makanya istilahnya “It’s lonely at the top”. Sementara, orang-orang yang cenderung mediocre, jarang ada yang merasa demikian.

Tentunya fenomena ini gak kejadian sama semua orang, tapi pertanyaan gue tetap sama, apakah dalam hidup ini kita memang harus memilih salah satu? Ataukah ini adalah pertanda lain kalau gue benar-benar tidak bisa mengatur waktu? Atau mungkin ini cuma sekedar alasan untuk men-justify ke-antisosial-an gue?

Gue punya banyak teman (kalau berdasarkan Facebook, estimasinya sekitar 700 orang) yang tersebar di seluruh dunia dan gue kesepian? Paradoks yang ironis ya. Atau sebenernya gue benar-benar sendirian?

Ah yang jelas, semua tulisan ini hanyalah racauan subuh-subuh. Tidak perlu dianggap serius. Karena mungkin memang tak ada makna yang segitu signifikan untuk jadi beban pikiran.

“Happiness only real when shared” – Christopher McCandless (Into the Wild, 2007)