Hatred is Never Holy

Last night I watched The Merchant of Venice performed in Hebrew by Israel’s Habimah Theatre at The Shakespeare Globe. The performance was great! The music was very lively and I love the scene with the princes and the way they acted the gondola rides. Simply hilarious. I was glad I decided to watch it. It was really an experience.

It’s not only because it was a really well-performed show, but also because of the security checks we had to go through and the incidents that happened during the performance. As you might have guessed, everything Israeli is always controversial and cannot be separated from the issue of….Palestine.

There were lots of ‘Free Palestine’ protesters outside the Globe when Matt and I got there at 7 (the play itself started at 7.30 but audiences had been advised to come as early as 6 for a security check - fyi, they don’t normally do this). Some protesters are giving out flyers about ‘Israeli apartheid’ and human rights violations. There were also the pro-Israel activists, handing out flyers about how boycotting art isn’t the way to go and that segregating people by nationality is not an expression of solidarity, etc. I didn’t know how many police officers were outside, but there were many.

Shit just got serious.

After we passed the security check at the entrance (it was the kind of procedure they have in airports, with metal detectors and guards saying “please take everything out of your pockets, oh and the watch too”, “no liquid”), we had to wait for a bit until the doors to the stage were opened. It was a full house (unlike the time when we went for Titus Andronicus in Cantonese).

Then the play started. Within the first few minutes, there were already people/protesters on the second-floor terrace who started being irritating by taking out ‘Free Palestine’ posters, Palestinian flags and shouting. Of course within seconds, they got arrested by the securities. Some of them are holding onto the railings which made it hard for the securities to get them - one woman had to be carried by four big security dudes because of this.

Shit just got more serious.

The actors continued on acting though (I really admire how professionals they are) and I wished I understand Hebrew because I thought some of them were actually making jokes about those protesters, but I’m not sure. Some people continued on protesting, this time they stood up and put a duct tape on their mouth (silent protest?), which were okay since they’re not distracting the whole show or anything.

A few minutes after the second act (it was Shylock’s trial scene), once again someone was being infuriating, shouting “IF YOU PRICK US, DO WE NOT BLEED?” - the original Shylock’s speech, but in this case of course he was referring to the Palestinians.

Oy vey!

If you’re being so rude, do we not get pissed?

Once again, I really admire those Habima actors, I bet they get those kinds of unapologetic discrimination a lot. So, without a doubt, this performance of The Merchant of Venice was the most intense show I’ve ever watched so far. And I’m really grateful to be able to experience it.

I don’t really have anything to say when it comes to the actual political conflict between Israel and Palestine. I don’t know, personally I think it’s way too complex, it’s not a black or white thing. But I think boycotting art, sabotaging performances, attempting to make them feel unwelcome, is not and never right. Not to mention pointless, because these people are artists, not policy makers in those country.

This reminds of the recent ban on Lady Gaga in Indonesia. It’s pretty much the same thing, except that she is banned on religious basis rather than political (although I’m still questioning the relationship between one’s morality and wearing bras-panties - covering yourself completely does not make you any more religious and morally superior than standing in a garage makes you a car).

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein

so, second year was officially over two days ago when I finished writing my Culture, Society and Individual exam (I still love how the acronym for the course is CSI - makes me feel scientifically smarter HAHA). not sure if I wrote a good argument or I started to believe my own bullshit, but I think I did pretty well during that 2 hours of endless writing. and so it was, the last exam of my undergraduate life. for my third year I will only submit examined essays. yes, essays and not a dissertation. I just don’t trust myself writing a dissertation, though I know it’ll make grad school so much easier if I do it now. but ‘easy’ is not a challenge, isn’t it? and I like to challenge myself because I’m so cocky like that.

regardless, hello un-summer-like summer!

seriously, there is something wrong with the weather. sun, y u no come out?

moving on, I’m pretty much jobless now. I still haven’t secured an internship yet and strangely enough I’m cool about it. in the worst case scenario where I can’t find anything, I still have my student ambassador job, The Leopard and I will probably help Abbie and Jessie out at Neverlazy. and I can always go back to decorating the house, writing poetry and short stories, brushing up my Japanese and Korean (I’ve given up on Mandarin, I think), and playing guitar. singing la la la la, let’s all sing! la la la la hallelujah.

for sure, in the next three weeks Imma be lazing around, going to film screenings, exhibitions, musicals, concerts. simply submerging myself in enjoyable, cultural life. then from june to october, I have no idea. no travel plans as of yet, but definitely not going home this summer. no big deal, though I won’t deny that I really miss Jakarta and its people.

Jakarta Jerkarta. not sure which one I miss the most:
- eating rice for breakfast in front of the TV, watching news/gossip. OR having coffee and croissant with mom at the Starbuck’s in her office.
- lunch at my grandparents. OR ‘cafe talk’ with best friends.
- street food hunting. OR second-hand shopping.
- sushi tei. OR bakerzin.
- salihara. OR taman ismail marzuki.
- driving. OR taking a cab.

june to october. dayum, five months of freedom. or lack thereof.

as much as I feel the pressure to find work to make my CV more polished, I don’t feel the need to rush it. not rushing, hm perhaps not quite a good thing to do in an instant-obsessed society like this. whatever, I enjoy embarking on a journey, it gives you time to prepare. then to reflect.

yada yada yada.

I don’t know much about how you’re supposed to mature, but I think as I grow older, my view on life has become more hippie-ish. it’s like when all Jason Mraz’s songs make sense to you and you live your life according to it. haha, guess it is safe to say that I’ve become the curbside prophet’s follower. speaking of Jason, I really like his new album. not really a fan of I Won’t Give Up, I prefer Be Honest. I also like the psychedelic feeling of 5/6 and The World As I See It but my favourite’s gotta be Who’s Thinking About You Now?, which apparently is also Jason’s favourite track as well from this album (Y).

what else what else. one of my cousins is getting married in november. he’s only 24. wow. I still can’t picture myself getting married at 24. to be honest, with this kind of eccentricity and semi-workaholic-ness, it is more likely that I’ll still be single at 30 (the average marriage age for women, according to The Telegraph), but I suppose it isn’t so bad. besides, there is never a cosmic mandate for people to get married, why so anxious?

here’s a picture of a swan.

It’s Easter Sunday today, the weather is awful outside. Cloudy and cold, the kind of weather that puts you off working. But at least it’s not raining.

Here I am, wearing my favourite black top and batik customised skirt. On the table, there’s a glass of Sumatra Mandheiling black coffee and a piece of plain mantou bun. Sinatra is playing through the speaker. A perfect afternoon is perfect.

No, I am not sitting at a corner of some fancy and quirky coffee shop. In fact, I haven’t stepped outside this house the whole day. I am in my room, daydreaming.

Yes, daydreaming.
My other favourite activity besides writing and talking.

Yes, instead of applying for an internship and a summer job, or condemning myself for not getting any callbacks from the companies I’ve applied, or starting my revision, I have been spending the afternoon with my imagination. Picturing the life I’m gonna have in my late twenties.

So, in five to ten years from now, I’m already an arts graduate. I will be serving fries in McDonald’s living a happy, quiet and simple life.

I don’t know exactly where I’m gonna reside by then. Well I’m hoping it’s a city somewhere in a tropical Asian country, like Jakarta or Bangkok or even Singapore (that is, if they’re still accepting professional foreigners and if I can no longer find a space to park my car in Jakarta hehe).

I can also picture myself in Ubud, writing, meditating, being a hot yoga chick, riding my bicycle just like Freddie Mercury told me so.

Moreover, I still don’t know if I can/will pursue it full-time, but most definitely, I will write for a living. Someday, my books are going to be published and you will be able to get it at your nearest book stores. Or Amazon, if your finger is that attached to your screen. I’d like to have my own column at a magazine or newspaper. My column will be on urban living, it’s probably gonna be similar like Carrie Bradshaw’s Sex and the City column. Only smarter. HAHA no offence, those of you carried away SATC fans, I’m a fan myself :)

I have high hopes that by that time, I will already have a steady boyfriend - yes readers, laugh together with me, HA HA HA. Anyway, desperation for romance and affection aside, he, Mr. Right, is smart and he writes. He cooks, he plays an instrument and he can sing. Le boyfriend might not be as kooky as I am, but he appreciates my taste in fashion, music and room decorating. We will go to museums, concerts and theatres but I’ll also be fine with sitting on the beach, reading or spending the night in, playing guitars. Hm, I hope he’s a great - decent, at least - photographer, because I’d want our ‘Adventure in Turkey/Morocco/South America’ holiday albums to look nice hehehe. He either drives a mini cooper or rides on a vintage Vespa.

He* and I will own a little coffee shop that is also a book+record store: a café-shop (* ‘He’ can also be replaced with ‘my friends’ if God forbid, I’m destined to be a spinster. HAHAHA). The place is gonna look cool. It’s a mishmash of eclectic furniture and kitchen wares from around the world.

That café-shop is where you can find me during the day, either writing or chatting with friends/customers or serving coffee or having my book signing event. Once every fortnight, I will arrange a movie screening or a book talk or I can invite my musician friends to have a small, acoustic gig there.

Oh yes, I can certainly picture myself living a life like that.

So, goodbye to a cubicle at the Vogue headquarter in New York City because I’ll be sipping my chai latte while watching my friends perform at my small café-shop, somewhere in a tropical Asian city.

there you go, four things about me. very straightforward. nothing cryptic.

it’s one of those days when I don’t really wanna put so much efforts on creating puns or smart, catchy titles that would make my post seem much more interesting and meaningful.

well, it’s not that this post is boring and meaningless.

so, second year is technically over. just a 3000-word portfolio on media-economy-society due on the 26th of april and a 2-hour culture and society exam on may 9 and then I’m officially no longer a sophomore.

hm, how time flies like a G6. HAHA. only faster though, and not necessarily better. dunno, the very thought of next year when Imma be graduating, leaving my friends, entering (or going back?) to ‘reality’ is a bit…bleak. uhm, I guess one of those melancholic feelings is coming on again.

I always find it funny how I still suck at farewells even though I’ve moved around a lot. getting out of the comfort zone is nothing new, it’s something that I’ve experienced my whole life. a life that has been spent in four continents, four countries, five cities, six schools not including short courses and summer schools. a period of numerous affiliations, various organizations, countless friendships. yet, “goodbye” seems to be the hardest word (sorry, elton john – pun intended hehe).

twenty years has passed since this picture was taken.

yeah. everything is impermanent, precisely why we should live and appreciate the present moment. for it will pass, sooner or later. yes, I guess life/everything is a sooner or later thing. exactly why we should not worry if we haven’t experienced something. no need to rush, no need to compete (dear overly competitive neoliberalists…).

okay, it’s not that competition is the root of all evil (or is it? haha), it’s just…when we compete we compare ourselves to other people and often when we’re deep in our comparison(s), we lose a sense of gratitude and appreciation for what we have at the moment. and based on my experience, ungratefulness is the root of misery, negative thinking, and ugly stuff alike.

back to my somewhat melancholic feeling (or as matt would call it ‘lethargic mood’ or in windy’s term: depression), I also find it amusing how all my life, I’ve always thought that I would never settle down in one place; that I would always move around, from one city/country to another; that Imma be making ridiculously many connections, in which only very few will last a life time but nevertheless I would never have to live a typical, monotonous life. everything would always be a new adventure and I’d always have my own freedom.

that was the kind of life that I thought would suit me. the kind of life that I’ve always wanted. until recently. until I realized how deep down I’m actually a sentimental, over-romantic art bitch. HAHA. *insert your “OMG. NO SHIT.” comment here*

but I guess the true freedom is when you can choose to settle in and commit yourself to something. no? because, when freedom becomes mandatory, then that means you’re not purely free, don’t you think?

and for now, I wanna know how it feels like to live a life that is not ephemeral. however paradoxical that sounds.

perhaps twenty is not quite the appropriate age for one to talk about the meaning of life. dunno, it’s just, every time I think I’ve got life all figured out, I’ve got condescending reaction such as “oh, you haven’t seen it all,” or “what do you know? you’re incredibly young,” or “you haven’t entered the real world.”

right.

just one question though,
gimme five, william miller. young minds think alike.

how ‘unreal’ is the world I’ve been living now?
how ‘unreal’ is twenty years of breathing, seeing, doing and existing?

well, okay I get it. usually when they say ‘real world’ they mean the ugly, ruthless, depressing world where people ‘prostitute’ themselves for money and pride. and since we – most people – spend the first twenty years of their life in the arms of our loving family and in school, chances are we’ll have only seen the pretty things in life.

seems legit.

I can write a whole essay on dysfunctional families and stressful school life, but I think making people depressed ain’t gonna do me a good karma hehe.

anyway, recently I’ve been writing the short story for my script/prose project and I came up with this wise line that seriously makes me feel good about myself (feel free to add “you, narcissistic bitch!” comment here. HAHA). here it is:

“Life is like being a photographer. Everything is beautiful, but you have to get it from the right angle.”

so true isn’t it?

still along the line with life is like being a photographer, it is exactly because we only see that one particular angle, that we find life is hard to understand.

how can we expect to understand life as a whole when we only see (or shown) one angle of it?

maybe we can’t, but I think it’s okay. perhaps life is too pretty to be understood, just like a woman. I suppose, for now we should just appreciate the beauty, for life is so immensely beautiful.

a slightly dodgy alley somewhere in Berlin, but isn’t it pretty?

and when it gets bitchy and ugly, that means we need to get it from another, prettier angle ;)

hm, I hope you get what I mean. but it’s okay, if you don’t. someday you will.

just finished watching 15, a Singaporean movie made by Royston Tan, with Matt tonight.

i’m not sure how to describe the movie, i don’t like it when you have to categorize something like this as good or bad. it’s not that simple. anyway, uhm the movie is…artsy, if you know what I mean. and let’s just say there is a slightly awkward moment when you’re watching a movie filled with homoerotic tensions with a straight guyfriend.

yeah, i guess that sums 15 up.

anyway, it gets me going down the memory lane of being a 15 year old teenage girl. i don’t know how much i’ve changed, really. what a difference have five years made?

i’m not as cynical as i used to. certainly more ‘philosophical’/new-age/hippie-ish/meditator-ish. now i can wear make up in a moving vehicle, can run fast in heels, yep those should count. so perhaps, five years did change me a lot.

hmm but maybe not much. perhaps i’m still that person who likes to sit down on the floor of her room, writing or thinking. maybe i’m still that melancholic, lonely person who regards friends as her most valuable blessing and fears the day when their life is no longer hers (you know what i mean, when we’re all be too preoccupied with work or relationships). maybe i’m still that girl with vague ideas about whereabout she’s going to take her life in the next five years or so.

oh well, what will be, will be.

metta.

jeeeorgiaaa:

thirty things to stop doing to yourself: as maria robinson once said, “nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” nothing could be closer to the truth. but before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back. here are some ideas to get you started:

1. stop spending time with the wrong people. – life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. if someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. you shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. and remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2. stop running from your problems. – face them head on. no, it won’t be easy. there is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. we aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. that’s not how we’re made. in fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. this is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. stop lying to yourself. – you can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.
4. stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. yes, help others; but help yourself too. if there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. stop trying to be someone you’re not. – one of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else.  someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. don’t change so people will like you. be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. stop trying to hold onto the past. – you can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. stop being scared to make a mistake. – doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. you end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8. stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – we may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. we all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. but you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. stop trying to buy happiness. – many of the things we desire are expensive. but the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – if you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. you have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.
11. stop being idle. – don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. evaluate situations and take decisive action. you cannot change what you refuse to confront. making progress involves risk. period! you can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. stop thinking you’re not ready. – nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – relationships must be chosen wisely. it’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. there’s no need to rush. if something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – in life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. but most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. stop trying to compete against everyone else. – don’t worry about what others doing better than you. concentrate on beating your own records every day. success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. stop being jealous of others. – jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  ask yourself this:  “what’s something i have that everyone wants?”
17. stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. you may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. but reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. you’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. so smile! let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. stop holding grudges. – don’t live your life with hate in your heart. you will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. forgiveness is not saying, “what you did to me is okay.” it is saying, “i’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! and remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. if you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. stop letting others bring you down to their level. – refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – the time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. the best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. stop trying to make things perfect. – the real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.
24. stop following the path of least resistance. – life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. don’t take the easy way out. do something extraordinary.
25. stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – it’s okay to fall apart for a little while. you don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. you shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. the sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. stop blaming others for your troubles. – the extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. when you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. stop trying to be everything to everyone. – doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. but making one person smile CAN change the world. maybe not the whole world, but their world. so narrow your focus.
28. stop worrying so much. – worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. one way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “will this matter in one year’s time? three years? five years?” if not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – focus on what you do want to happen. positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. if you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. stop being ungrateful. – no matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

wasting time.

so i missed gamelan again today. been the fourth time. in a row. and now i’m bitching about it on tumblr just to show how bad i feel about it. it’s not that i did it on purpose, oh well…i don’t know, maybe i am. ah, i don’t know, really.

i’ve been busy lately. or maybe not, maybe i’m just pretending that i am just so that i won’t feel that bad about missing things. oh the bad, bad, bad self-deception! perhaps i’m not busy, i just haven’t really managed my time well.

but it’s true, i have so many things to do. from school’s academic works, practice’s project (film film film!), stuff with The Leopard, this blog (which hasn’t been updated as often as i wished :/), reading for self-development purpose…and the list goes on. ALTHOUGH, actually compared to last year, i didn’t have that many things to do. no more internship with College Fashionista now, and that was quite time consuming. i didn’t write as regularly for The London Student as i did last year either.

and though, academically speaking, the stake is now bigger at the second year, i also haven’t felt that ‘academic kick’ (you know that kind of feeling where you feel so motivated to work for school). i don’t feel like i have learnt much, i’m not sure if it’s because there’s not enough time to do it, or it’s just me who hasn’t really put that much effort. i mean, i’ve been working for my assignments and stuff, it just didn’t feel as productive as i’d like it to be. i did better than this. once i was a nerdy workaholic with a “work hard, party hard” mentality (hello 16-year-old me! long time no see!), which totally paid off at the end, but now it’s like “just finish the work. no party, just sleep”. no me gusta.

considering that school isn’t actually that intense, i should’ve put more effort on school (and other stuff that i need to do). i feel like…i’m wasting my time and no, i’m not enjoying it (sorry, john lennon).

i know that time has changed (it was high school, c’mon!) and of course, i’m not the same person as i was back then, but still….i’d love to have that perseverance and dedication again. (i plead guilty for longing for the ‘glorious’ days of the past. ;p) ah, maybe it’s the old-overachiever-perfectionist me, kicking back in (i’ve become way more laid back and relaxed since college, which is good. to a certain extent)…who knows.

it’s funny how i’ve kinda “lost” that ‘perseverance and dedication’ just as my vision about my future is getting clearer. it’s like i’ve set the goals and stuff, but here i am, just waiting for my rocket to come.

about this ‘time-wasting/laziness/whatever’…actually, could it be because i’m not busy enough? it seems to me that i perform better when i have so many things on my to-do list. hmmm….but i really don’t feel like adding anything on my agenda as of late.

perhaps it’s just a phase. perhaps it’s just that time of your life when you feel like you don’t want to commit to so many “responsibilities”. perhaps it’s just my time to relax a bit. perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…